Friday, May 18, 2012

Wait....WHAT?!?! Shocking Motherhood Experiences!!

Motherhood is a beautiful gift from God. True, but since we were created in His image it's only natural to believe that He is a bit of a prankster. After having two beautiful children I can attest to both but more so about the PRANKSTER part. I should really start writing down the things that my kids do to embarrass me or that make me cringe...but there isn't enough paper!!

So it's a normal day at work. I'm working....oh and frequently checking Facebook. The clock strikes 2:00pm and the countdown to home begins. I miss my kids, like I do everyday, until I pick them up and they start fighting before we leave the daycare parking lot. Now I remember why I enjoy my job so much. I never have to yell or threaten my coworkers. Then my phone rings, it's my kid's daycare. Oh crap, what do they want? I answer and it's the director calling and the conversation goes like this:

Director: Ms. Dupont?
Me: Yes 
Director: Hi, we have Elijah up here and he's complaining that his ear hurts. He says there is a rock in his ear.
Me: Wait....WHAT?!?
Director: Yes, we can't see anything but he said he put a rock in his ear to see if it would fit.
Me: Ok, please put him on the phone (talking to a 4 year old is always productive, right?!)
Elijah: Hi Mommy
Me: Hi Elijah, did you put a rock in your ear (in my least accusing voice which strangely sounds almost cartoonish - I'll have to work on that!)
Elijah: ..........yes (in a quiet "I hope I don't get in trouble for this" voice)
Me: Did you get it out or did it get stuck
Elijah: I couldn't find it.
Me: (What I'm thinking in my head) OH HELL!!! Really?!? 

I was pretty proud for not getting upset at having to leave work early since I have a boss that frowns on that. Weird, huh? Then panic set in and I get instant indigestion. That's an immediate sign that my anxiety is flaring - OH CRAP MY PILLS ARE AT HOME!!! Looking for next best thing: MARGARITA!! Oh yeah I'm at work and my boss frowns on that too. He's always cramping my style! 

Next step I call the Pediatrician and to make my anxiety worse the woman acts like this is the first time EVER that she's heard of something like that. Hey wait, I remember a coworker telling me about a drive-thru Margarita place. Mental note: stop on the way! So I pick up both kids and by this time the WHOLE daycare knows of the "Rock in the Ear" incident. Off to the Pediatrician we go and sure enough there is a rock in his ear or so I am informed by the nurse. Well then the 10 year old girl in me creeps out and all I can think about it "Ooh cool, I wanna see". Well if I feel like that I know you do too!! So here you go. What do you think? You see that little brown thing? Yep, you guessed it. It's a rock. Hmm...I guess it does fit. Elijah must be thinking "The experiment worked". The one to see if the rock fit? No, the one to see if he could drive his mother to drink heavily before she turns 30. DAMN, I forgot that Margarita drive-thru. 

So the Pediatrician won't mess with it because he's afraid to damage his ear. Ok well here's your $25 and whatever else you get when you bill my insurance. Thanks for NOTHING! So then they call the ENT (Ear, Nose & Throat) Dr. so send me over there. In the mean time I'm telling Elijah to jump on his foot while he leans his head over. Hey it works when water gets clogged in my ear. Maybe that's a universal trick that also works on rocks. IT DOESN'T!! Oh and not my proudest moment, but neither does a bobby pin. It was worth a shot. Thankfully I didn't make it worse or deafen my child. Like I said not my proudest moment. 

So I go over to the ENT who is going to "squeeze me in" which apparently means "wait in the waiting room until we close and every other person has come and gone". Translation noted. We finally get in there to then be told by the nurse that it's always 4 year old boys. I guess that should make me feel better but all I can think is "My daughter is going to grow up and probably end up marrying a guy that used to put rocks (or some other equally dumb item) in his ears. These are men like my husband who, although I love him to death, drives me crazy sometimes because he just had to "see what would happen" if he did _________ <--- Insert Moronic Idea here. Sound familiar?? Poor Madison. My only hope is that she grows up to become a single old cat lady. Did I mention that I have high hopes for my children....ya know, just in case that wasn't coming across correctly.

Anywho, the ENT finally came in and made me hold Elijah's head down while she dug this rock out. Although it was difficult as a mother to have to do that while your child cries. As a woman who enjoys being right, I felt that this was just what he needed to make sure he NEVER has this EXPERIMENT in mind again!! I think his ears are safe, but there are several other open orifices that items could be crammed. Note to self: Search for a Proctologist....just in case.

So I know your curiosity is getting the better of you so here you go. Don't be fooled by it's size and rock-like charm. It's the DEVIL!!!!

It's just the perfect size to RUIN YOUR DAY!!! However, I am keeping it and it will forever be the hilarious "Rock in the Ear" story I will be telling his girlfriends about in hopes that they run away and leave my sweet boy alone. "Don't play with filthy girls, Norman!" (A Psycho reference in case you aren't a movie nut like me)

So I hope you enjoyed my crazy day yesterday. I feel like this post will be a recurring one. I will frequently post about all of the off the wall things my kids do and say.

See ya wouldn't wanna be ya - oh wait maybe I would!!!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Boredom....WHAT IS THAT????

It's a warm sunny day and I am at home with nothing to do. I desperately wish one of my friends was free to do something. All I can think about it how BORED I am. Ugh what a horrible feeling!!

Fast forward a couple years later......ok 10 years. Ugh how time flies and how it must be showing on my once teenage skinned face. Anyway I will mope later. So fast forward and I have since been married and had 2 WONDERFUL kids (until they start whining which now seems like every 5 seconds).  The days of being home and aching for something to do have long since floated away (taking my beautiful teenage skin with it). I now only understand boredom like I do with any other myth like alien abduction: Enough people claim to have experienced it so it must be true, right??

Here's the truth: Teenagers and Men (especially Husbands) experience boredom. For all of us WOMEN and MOTHERS there exists no such thing. In fact we have what I will call Reverse Boredom or RB. RB is an epidemic that there is no cure for. The only cure would be more time in a day or a clone. Neither of these have yet to have happened.

Hello my name is Amber and I suffer from RB. I wake up and hit the ground running. Why you ask? Well because there is no other option (or so we have molded ourselves to believe). I work full time because it's necessary to provide well for my family. I do stuff with other moms so that my kids can play and so I can have some time to chat with other moms. I crochet because I enjoy it and because it also makes me a little spendin' cash. I do a million other things but I'm too busy to list them all....DUH!!!!

Anyway I basically need to stop sleeping or start working part time so I can fit my life into my life!! Crazy how that happens. Oh how I miss the teenage boredom days sometimes. Ok well I am off to find something else to do since I seem to have a problem keeping still. RB is a severe condition that is only suppressed with a margarita or some other yummy ADULT beverage!! Now I want one - GOTTA GO!!!

Talk to you soon!!