Wait....WHAT?!?! Shocking Motherhood Experiences!!

Motherhood is a beautiful gift from God. True, but since we were created in His image it's only natural to believe that He is a bit of a prankster. After having two beautiful children I can attest to both but more so about the PRANKSTER part. I should really start writing down the things that my kids do to embarrass me or that make me cringe...but there isn't enough paper!!


So it's a normal day at work. I'm working....oh and frequently checking Facebook. The clock strikes 2:00pm and the countdown to home begins. I miss my kids, like I do everyday, until I pick them up and they start fighting before we leave the daycare parking lot. Now I remember why I enjoy my job so much. I never have to yell or threaten my coworkers. Then my phone rings, it's my kid's daycare. Oh crap, what do they want? I answer and it's the director calling and the conversation goes like this:


Director: Ms. Dupont?
Me: Yes 
Director: Hi, we have Elijah up here and he's complaining that his ear hurts. He says there is a rock in his ear.
Me: Wait....WHAT?!?
Director: Yes, we can't see anything but he said he put a rock in his ear to see if it would fit.
Me: Ok, please put him on the phone (talking to a 4 year old is always productive, right?!)
Elijah: Hi Mommy
Me: Hi Elijah, did you put a rock in your ear (in my least accusing voice which strangely sounds almost cartoonish - I'll have to work on that!)
Elijah: ..........yes (in a quiet "I hope I don't get in trouble for this" voice)
Me: Did you get it out or did it get stuck
Elijah: I couldn't find it.
Me: (What I'm thinking in my head) OH HELL!!! Really?!? 


I was pretty proud for not getting upset at having to leave work early since I have a boss that frowns on that. Weird, huh? Then panic set in and I get instant indigestion. That's an immediate sign that my anxiety is flaring - OH CRAP MY PILLS ARE AT HOME!!! Looking for next best thing: MARGARITA!! Oh yeah I'm at work and my boss frowns on that too. He's always cramping my style! 


Next step I call the Pediatrician and to make my anxiety worse the woman acts like this is the first time EVER that she's heard of something like that. Hey wait, I remember a coworker telling me about a drive-thru Margarita place. Mental note: stop on the way! So I pick up both kids and by this time the WHOLE daycare knows of the "Rock in the Ear" incident. Off to the Pediatrician we go and sure enough there is a rock in his ear or so I am informed by the nurse. Well then the 10 year old girl in me creeps out and all I can think about it "Ooh cool, I wanna see". Well if I feel like that I know you do too!! So here you go. What do you think? You see that little brown thing? Yep, you guessed it. It's a rock. Hmm...I guess it does fit. Elijah must be thinking "The experiment worked". The one to see if the rock fit? No, the one to see if he could drive his mother to drink heavily before she turns 30. DAMN, I forgot that Margarita drive-thru. 

So the Pediatrician won't mess with it because he's afraid to damage his ear. Ok well here's your $25 and whatever else you get when you bill my insurance. Thanks for NOTHING! So then they call the ENT (Ear, Nose & Throat) Dr. so send me over there. In the mean time I'm telling Elijah to jump on his foot while he leans his head over. Hey it works when water gets clogged in my ear. Maybe that's a universal trick that also works on rocks. IT DOESN'T!! Oh and not my proudest moment, but neither does a bobby pin. It was worth a shot. Thankfully I didn't make it worse or deafen my child. Like I said not my proudest moment. 


So I go over to the ENT who is going to "squeeze me in" which apparently means "wait in the waiting room until we close and every other person has come and gone". Translation noted. We finally get in there to then be told by the nurse that it's always 4 year old boys. I guess that should make me feel better but all I can think is "My daughter is going to grow up and probably end up marrying a guy that used to put rocks (or some other equally dumb item) in his ears. These are men like my husband who, although I love him to death, drives me crazy sometimes because he just had to "see what would happen" if he did _________ <--- Insert Moronic Idea here. Sound familiar?? Poor Madison. My only hope is that she grows up to become a single old cat lady. Did I mention that I have high hopes for my children....ya know, just in case that wasn't coming across correctly.


Anywho, the ENT finally came in and made me hold Elijah's head down while she dug this rock out. Although it was difficult as a mother to have to do that while your child cries. As a woman who enjoys being right, I felt that this was just what he needed to make sure he NEVER has this EXPERIMENT in mind again!! I think his ears are safe, but there are several other open orifices that items could be crammed. Note to self: Search for a Proctologist....just in case.


So I know your curiosity is getting the better of you so here you go. Don't be fooled by it's size and rock-like charm. It's the DEVIL!!!!

It's just the perfect size to RUIN YOUR DAY!!! However, I am keeping it and it will forever be the hilarious "Rock in the Ear" story I will be telling his girlfriends about in hopes that they run away and leave my sweet boy alone. "Don't play with filthy girls, Norman!" (A Psycho reference in case you aren't a movie nut like me)


So I hope you enjoyed my crazy day yesterday. I feel like this post will be a recurring one. I will frequently post about all of the off the wall things my kids do and say.


See ya wouldn't wanna be ya - oh wait maybe I would!!!

Boredom....WHAT IS THAT????

It's a warm sunny day and I am at home with nothing to do. I desperately wish one of my friends was free to do something. All I can think about it how BORED I am. Ugh what a horrible feeling!!

Fast forward a couple years later......ok 10 years. Ugh how time flies and how it must be showing on my once teenage skinned face. Anyway I will mope later. So fast forward and I have since been married and had 2 WONDERFUL kids (until they start whining which now seems like every 5 seconds).  The days of being home and aching for something to do have long since floated away (taking my beautiful teenage skin with it). I now only understand boredom like I do with any other myth like alien abduction: Enough people claim to have experienced it so it must be true, right??

Here's the truth: Teenagers and Men (especially Husbands) experience boredom. For all of us WOMEN and MOTHERS there exists no such thing. In fact we have what I will call Reverse Boredom or RB. RB is an epidemic that there is no cure for. The only cure would be more time in a day or a clone. Neither of these have yet to have happened.

Hello my name is Amber and I suffer from RB. I wake up and hit the ground running. Why you ask? Well because there is no other option (or so we have molded ourselves to believe). I work full time because it's necessary to provide well for my family. I do stuff with other moms so that my kids can play and so I can have some time to chat with other moms. I crochet because I enjoy it and because it also makes me a little spendin' cash. I do a million other things but I'm too busy to list them all....DUH!!!!


Anyway I basically need to stop sleeping or start working part time so I can fit my life into my life!! Crazy how that happens. Oh how I miss the teenage boredom days sometimes. Ok well I am off to find something else to do since I seem to have a problem keeping still. RB is a severe condition that is only suppressed with a margarita or some other yummy ADULT beverage!! Now I want one - GOTTA GO!!!


Talk to you soon!!

Back, Pumped and READY TO GO!!!

Hello all. I'm back from vacation and I'm ready to get back on track. I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do - that's because I do. WEIRD!! It never fails, when I'm gone it seems like I have twice as much to do to make up for that time lost. We had a great time at Disney World. It's something we will never forget!! Definitely happy to be home in my own space. You take "home" for granted when you are all crammed into a hotel room like sardines. Less smelly though....slightly. 


I have a lot of ideas for my crocheting and I can't wait to get started. I'm hoping to start posting my own patterns soon, but I have several crochet projects to finish before I will have the time to sit down and do that. I wish I could be like Michael Keaton in Multiplicity and duplicate myself to get more done. Only I would probably end up with a bunch of the "slow" Amber's that like pizza http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRQFMHRSj9I&feature=results_video&playnext=1&list=PL1780F1480BD88FDF

Until then I will stick to just one of me and a healthy love of pizza. Once I start getting some of the items finished I will post pictures. I did finish the first grass rug. I'm going to be making several more colors. I will also be making some hammocks and a bunch of other unique items. Pictures to come. I have also been slightly distracted by my reading. There are just too many things to do!! Must go back to that duplication thing later. So far my kids aren't coordinated enough to handle the crocheting. And they can't read yet. I'm starting to think they are more trouble than they are worth. I must figure out some way for them to earn their keep. Yard work? No, they would probably break the mower somehow. Cooking dinner? No, we would only end up eating string cheese and pickles...well maybe I will come back to that when I get really tired of cooking. Grocery shopping? No, they would just buy toys and candy. Well I'm pretty much stumped. There must be something. Note to self: Google "child labor" later. 


Domo Arigato 

M.I.A.

Ok so I have been MIA lately. It's been a little hectic at work and at home. My crocheting has been put on the back burner lately. But I did complete a couple more baby beanies yesterday. I also made my kids Disney themed hats for our trip to Disney on Friday. That's right folks, we're going to Disney for our first REAL vacation in.....FOREVER. My husband and I have never really had a vacation where we have taken several days off from work and relaxed. Everything is always so hectic.


I'm super excited about this trip to say the least. My kids are going to have so much fun. I can't wait for them to do all of the stuff that we have planned!! Princess breakfasts and makeovers and pirate adventures. They are going to be dead tired by the end of it. I wish I had made more hats, but I don't know if I will have time. I would like to make 2 hats for my stepdaughters but I don't know what they would like. 


Dear Michael Eisner please do not sue me for licensing infringement. We will still buy plenty of souvenirs. Thank you!


Anyway, when I get back from vacation I plan to get back into crocheting, because there are still plenty of things I need to make!!

Spring Fling Vendor Blender

I recently just did my first craft show for my hats: The Spring Fling Vendor Blender. I felt that it was a success. Monetary success....no. I didn't want to make a bunch of hats to sell for 2 reasons: 1. I prefer custom orders so that you can choose your own colors and other details and 2. I didn't want to spend all that time crocheting things that may not sell. I did get one official order and payment which was great. It was for an angry birds hat and I think it turned out well. What do you think? 

I love doing the fun ones like this. So although I wasn't overflowing with orders I handed out plenty of my business cards and met a couple more photographers. There are photographers on every corner it seems like. WHO KNEW????

I'm still working on some projects for a photographer right now and am excited to post the finished pictures once I am done. After making the "Boobie Beanie" I thought it would be a great idea to contact the La Leche League. I'm waiting to hear back from them - but HELLO they are the biggest BOOBIE pushers out there!! 

So what's next?? Global Domination!! But first, I am thinking I would like to start making up my own patterns and doing a weekly "pattern post". If any of you are interested in crocheting this would be a great way to get some free patterns. It's such a bummer when you see a cool pattern but you have to pay for it!!

Hopefully you guys like the idea and will all become dedicated crocheters - I will need some sweat shop workers!!! And you will be just perfect for the position. So get crackin'!!!

Please comment below and give me some ideas on some patterns I should post!!!

The Boobie Beanie

After seeing pictures of "The Boobie Beanie" out on the internet I decided I wanted to make one. I would like to thank Teresa - The Crochet Geek for posting the pattern so I could make one. I think it turned out pretty well.

The second reason I decided to make it (the first being it was so stinkin' cute and HILARIOUS!) is that nursing is one of the most natural things a woman can do. Especially these days with all of the hair coloring, artificial nails (GUILTY), Botox (you know who you are), fake tans, nips, tucks and whatever new thing they are inventing that WE JUST HAVE TO HAVE - hopefully it's piece of chocolate (or bread, or cupcake, or......) that disintegrates cellulite leaving you with a Victoria's Secret body. Hmmm maybe THAT is Victoria's Secret - a mysterious candy that leaves you looking AWESOME!!! YEAH RIGHT!!!

Back to the breastfeeding thing. I nursed my two children. Not as long as some people do, my mother-in-law in particular. Who has 9 kids and nurses them until they are 4 or 5??? I can't even fathom that. My oldest son is 4 1/2 and there is no way he climbing up on my lap to be fed. But to each his own. I do think that it's every woman's right to nurse their child as long as they see fit.....within reason.....hopefully!! I was only able to nurse my daughter for a month but she has turned out just fine...except for that weird twitch. KIDDING!!! She's a great eater and although she can be a little picky (like her Mommy) at least she eats and according to her pediatrician is well above average (once again - like her Mommy).

Although I didn't have the balls (or should I say boobs) to nurse in public, I applaud all those women who do. That tells me that you put your child first....even before your fear of weirdo gawkers.

On the other hand though, to these same women: Please don't look offended if people look at you. Feel free if they STARE or say something inappropriate. But for most people it's  a shock to see a women have it whipped out there even though the Rated - R part of it is covered by a ravenous sweet baby. I think it's great to breastfeed and even in public if that's where you are and you're baby is hungry. Common courtesy is certainly appreciated, especially if you are a "nurse my baby until he's in college" mommy and there are young children near by. That's the last thing I would want to have to explain to my 3 and 4 year olds. It's bad enough they want to constantly ask me questions about my privates I don't want them getting any bright ideas that I have become a food source......again. 


I would say a good rule of thumb is: If they can write their name they are too old unless you get one of those prodigy children that does that sort of thing at 6 months. In that case your baby probably won't need to nurse since she will no doubt be able to drive to the store for some milk since she has discovered that cold cow's milk goes WAY better with Lucky Charms!! If you do have one of those children that is exponentially smarter than everyone else's kid, just know that no one is giving you the evil eye because of your public feeding session. We loathe you on a much deeper level! 


**Breast is Best**

The Definition of Success

Everyone should have goals. I have goals as a Flighty Crafter, however with every new project they change...strange how that happens. Since crocheting is my latest and most successful venture I may be sticking with it for a long time. However, I have to say I have been considering whipping up some dog treats, especially since I now have 3 FREAKIN' dogs in my house. Who would have thunk it?? Especially since I consider myself a cat person - I have 2 of them...and a python and a large tortoise. What can I say my husband owns a pet store, it comes with the territory. I should start charging friends when they bring their kids over since my house is a petting zoo. There you have it folks my next craft is a petting zoo!! Just kidding, I love all my pets but I am drawing the line --------------   <-- There it is "THE LINE" I have drawn!


Back to my goals. Since I began crocheting I didn't start with goals or success in mind. I just started because I thought it would be fun - and it is!! My first goal I guess was to actually LEARN how to crochet. Check! Next goal: sell my hats to friends. Check! The next goal as you already know came from Noelle MacGregor (I think people deserve to get their props) who suggested I contact other photographers. Check! After that I really was just waiting to see what happened with the interested photographers. So now that I have had orders from 2 photographers Erin Carlyle and Alisa Murray, I feel personally satisfied. I think that the definition of success isn't so much about a monetary goal achieved as much as a feeling that you have. I feel successful since I have done more with my crocheting than I had thought I would. I just found out from Alisa yesterday that she is a national sponsor for the Babies R Us sweepstakes. She told me that she is going to be featuring my best stuff there. I just about died, I couldn't believe it. So even though it hasn't happened I feel like I have achieved success because I am happy where I am and where I am going. Who knows what great things will happen tomorrow but today I'm pretty happy with things. 


I'm looking forward to the challenges and the sense of accomplishment I will feel. It's exciting. I have a feeling that I am going to be pretty busy with the crocheting soon, I may have to scout of some friends to help me out!! Overall though it's a really great adventure so far and only better things are to come. Now I need a yummy margarita to celebrate!!


Here is a picture of something I am working on now. This picture is what it is GOING to look like. I will post pictures of my finished product when I finish. It's a large project.

And yes it is done by crocheting. Doesn't it look like real grass!!! I can't wait to finish and see what it looks like in person. 

Over & Out!